Knowledge Is Half The Power | Do Your Worst Podcast, Ep. 4

Do Your Worst! – Hello, everyone, and
welcome to Do Your Worst! – Yeah.
– Episode Four. – Is that true? – A new hope.
– Yeah, it’s true. – It is.
– It is true. – A new hope.
– A new host. (gasps) – Whoa!
– Burrr! – Episode four.
– Walked right into it. – Oh man. Well Mal is out of town today, so we have Adam as our guest host. – Hello.
– We’re sorry. – And then we have–
(Matt laughs) We have Matt as our guest,
who didn’t graduate to host. – No.
– No. – Who is still happy to be here. (laughs) – Didn’t do good enough last time. – I’m gonna try real hard today, though. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – And I’m also here. (Matt laughs) – [James] Jeremy Warner. – As denoted by the jingling of keys. – Yeah, it was– – For those of you who’ve been watching and following us, thank you, first of all. We’re super excited and we’ve been telling
you to submit your stuff. We recorded those first three
episodes on the same night. So, if you’re surprised that we didn’t use any
of your submissions, it’s because they didn’t
exist when we filmed those. (laughs) Or recorded those, for
those non-visual listeners. – Or if you watched it on YouTube and noticed that James and Mallory never changed their clothes. – Yeah. – Well they do that anyway, but it was the other reasons why. – [Adam] It was the other reasons. – Great, so we’re
actually gonna, you know, look at those submissions today. It’s gonna be real fun. We had a really good time
reading through them. We got hundreds of submissions. – Wow. – So we’re still working
through some of them. – [Adam] Yes thank you– – [James] Throw a few of them out there. – Thank you. – Yep, thanks for putting
yourself out there. – We’re going to warm up
here with a script from Matt before we get into our– – Oh, good! I was like do we do, vocal warm ups? – My phone died, while I
was on the way over here. – Oh, you can read with me. Actually, this is a two man sketch. – Oh okay. – Oh, man. – [Narrator] This
episode of Do Your Worst, brought to you by Skillshare. If you’re anything like me and
you love to educate yourself and develop your skills,
you’re gonna love Skillshare. And later, I’ll tell you how you can get your first two months for free. Check it out. – Have you sent your other one? – I have. I have a sketch that, once upon a time, and the thing that’s
interesting about this is you might notice some similarities to something else that you
have seen from us on Studio C. – Oh okay, The Seedlings. – The Seedlings, yeah, but
this was years ago in college. I wrote this well before
Worst Doctor Ever. So, I guess, James,
would you read for Jason? – Uh huh. – You’ll be the doctor
and I’ll just be Matt. – [James] Okay. – Here we go. – “Okay Mr. Meese, what
are you here for today?” – “Just a physical, doctor.” – “Good, good.” – Is this gonna happen on stage? (laughs) – [James] We’re gonna find out. – It just seems so, I don’t know, like, “Just a physical, doctor,”
very formal and stilted. – [James] That’s how people talk. – Yeah, this is normal. – “I need a clean bill of health “before I can do my study abroad. “I mean, I feel fine so this
is just a formality, you know? “I haven’t had a serious
health problem my whole life.” – “I don’t know if you were talking “but I’d like to begin
the examination now. (laughs) “Let’s start with this
mole on your neck here.” – [Matt] “Oh really? “Do you think it might be cancerous?” – “Huh? “No, no. it’s just really ugly. “Now, we can have that
removed if you like, “it’s a simple procedure “and you’d probably attract more women.” – “Oh well, if it’s not a health concern, “I’ll just leave it be for now.” – “It’s your choice, mole neck. (laughs) “Okay, let’s take a look at your reflexes. “Relax your leg please.” – “Matt relaxes and Jason pretends “like he’s about to hit his knee “but then strikes him
in the chest instead. “Matt, as he falls backwards, ‘Argh!'” – “Not too sharp, I see.” – “Ow, my sternum. “Why did you do that?” – “Simple reflex test, son.” (laughs) – Father? “I thought we were testing
my involuntary reflexes?” – “Yeah, that’s a common misconception. “Okay, let’s test your vision, shall we?” – “You’re not gonna poke
me in the eye are you?” – “Ha ha, I fail to see what
purpose that would serve.” – “Suddenly slaps Matt in the face. “‘Oh goodness!'” – “Another reflex test. “You are really bad at this. “Okay, vision.” – “A vision test comes up on the screen, “only the letter E is really visible, “the rest are far too
tiny to possibly read.” – “I want you to read off “as many of these letters as you can.” – “E.” – “Very good, any more?” – “Seriously? “That’s impossible. “I need like, binoculars
to see those things.” – “Okay, then.” – [Matt] “To self while
writing on clipboard.” – “Failed. “And how about your color vision? “What number do you see
in the circle there?” – “Random number appears in
the color blind test circle. “Oh actually, I’m color
blind, so, I have no idea.” – [James] “Really, what about this one?” – “Random shape is in the
color blind test circle. “Nope, nothing.” – [James] “One more.” – “The words, you smell like feet, “are in the color blind circle.” – [James] “Anything?” – “A hilarious joke.” (laughs) – [James] “Yes, yes.” – “Nope, still color blind.” – “That always fascinates me. “I happen to have a
small list of some things “you’re ineligible do to
as a color blind person.” – “A very long list scrolls on the screen. “What in the world? “What is wrong with you?” – “Hmm, between that and the mole, “you must be having a pretty lousy day.” – “Yeah.” – “But on the bright
side, it’s lunch time. “So we’ll break for a couple hours “and meet back here at a
quarter to four, sound good?” – “You’re leaving in the middle
of my exam to go eat lunch? “I don’t know who you
think you are, buddy, “but I have life, too,
okay, so let’s finish this “and I can get on with the rest
of my increasingly bad day.” – “Were you talking again? (laughs) “I’m about to head out, see you at five.” – “You said a quarter to four.” – “Yeah that sounds good,
just make your appointment “at the front desk on your way out. “Okay, okay?” – “But (sighs) fine. “Enjoy your stupid lunch. “Jason trips Matt on his way out.” – “You gotta have the
worst reflexes ever.” (laughs) – End! – Yo. – Whoa. Oh, so good. – You would proves after this. (laughs) – The doctor just like– – I think the thing, the only thing I really liked about it
was the idea of like, someone doing a reflex test but then like, slapping you to test your reflexes and like, you didn’t respond
fast enough, bad reflexes. And the rest is like, me being
color blind for way too long. – And trying to extend that
attitude of that doctor out to like everything was just like… – Like butter scraped over too much bread. (laughs) – I also loved the, I
used to do this a lot, but when someone would be saying something and then I wouldn’t have
something to say immediately back, I would say, “I don’t know
if you were talking but…” and then do something else. And I always thought
that was so funny and– – It’s like an inside joke for yourself. – For me.
(laughs) I would try the best, thank you. – One thing that I just, from the beginning of the sketch, just noticed the difference
between your writing now, it’s so much fluff at the beginning and a long explanation, and like– – Whereas this… (laughs) – Yeah, whereas this, is perfect. No, I’m talking about your
old, this one in particular. You’re very… You’ve improved. – Oh, thank you, I hope so. I like the idea that, even
though the sketch does not live, some of the things about it do live on in a better iteration
when I have a better idea or more skills or whatever. So it’s like, nothing’s
truly lost forever, per se. It’s not a total waste. – Yeah.
– No work is wasted. – Yeah, it’s the process
of elimination, you know, like, I guess I’m not gonna do that. – Yeah, exactly. – And knowing’s half the power. – Battle.
– Battle. (laughs) – All right, well that was– – So good, thank you for doing your worst. – You have done your worst.
– My pleasure. Happy to do it.
– Thank you, Matthew. All right, we’re going to
move on to some submissions. So, this is fun because
these are you guys, and a lot of people who haven’t
done writing professionally, and so they’re still in that stage of just finding their initial
voice and trying to write and doing writing assignments and whatnot. So there’s a lot of stuff. So, we’re gonna try a few
things, just to ease into it. So last, one of the episodes I read from my seventh grade essay book, it had a certain tone– – Life of a teenage…
– Yeah. – Of angst and confusion. And, you know, some of
the submissions were, they’re going through their
teenage years, I assume. Maybe they’re not. (laughs) I just assumed that. – Like, no, I’m late thirties. – Some of the submissions
I read were like, “I wrote this so long ago. “I was like a freshman in high
school and now I’m a senior.” – Anyways, so I found some submissions that I’m going to play
a little game called, which one did James write? (Matt laughs) – Oh, great. – I’m immediately in favor of this game. – All right, here we go. Option number one. “I was the captain of the
USS Star Trek and yes, “I named my star ship
after the famous TV series. “But that’s not the point. “I was on a very important mission. “Found out where all those
extraterrestrial creatures “everyone claims of
seeing are coming from. “Yes, in essence, I was out to find E.T. “My team and I had only been
in space for two months, “when we ran into the problem. “Namely, the Sun.” (laughs) – They ran into?
– Yes. – How is it spelled?
– He ran into the Sun. – Okay.
– Like, see it? – Like the celestial body?
– Exactly. – How are they writing this right now? Nevermind, I’m dying to
know the rest of the story. – “I am very sorry to say
this, but my whole crew died–” (laughs) – Bummer.
– Expected. – “On impact. “I miraculously survived
but with a few minor, “okay, okay, major differences. “I now have the fire power of the Sun “and could breathe in space.” – Oh.
– Oh, it’s Captain Marvel. – Yeah. – “I guess, now I am E.T.” (laughs) – Full circle.
– Of course, as we all have those powers. – Yes.
(laughs) – “And of course, since every superhero “needs a cool name, I
suppose I’ll just be E.T.” (laughs) – And choose not to have a cool name? (laughs) – “My first job will be to save the Earth “from a massive explosion. “Yes, the one I caused
by crashing into the Sun. “Whoops.”
(laughs) – How big was the ship? – “The end.”
– The end. – It was just getting started. – [James] I know. – E.T. is famously like–
– Like a pacifist. – Well, and also– – He’s the Gandhi of the aliens. – He’s very slow. There was no way he’d be able
to save the world from that. – He’d be the one surviving–
– He did save Elliot and his friends from police. – But remember when he was drunk? (Matt laughs) And he just wandered around the kitchen? – Oh, do I remember. That E.T. can party. – If you haven’t seen E.T. in a while, might as well review it. Option two. “Fancy that cat sitting on my mat. “I know, I know. “I’ll hit it with a cricket bat.” – Oh mercy. – Violent. – “I’ll hit it on the head. “I will hit it ’til it’s dead. “Bang, bang, meow, screech,
bang, bang, meow, splat.” – Oh my goodness.
– “The end.” – (laughs) That’s
amazing and very graphic. – Very violent. – It’s very rhyme-y though. – It’s very violent.
– It’s like dark Dr. Seuss. – Yeah. – It’s got a nice–
– Dark-ter Seuss. – Dark-ter Seuss. (laughs) It’s got a nice flow to it. – Yeah.
– Yes, it does. Okay, and then option three. “I wonder where my dog is. “He left me for a bone. “I hear his whining in my head. “He left me all alone. “I see his cute, little tail wag. “I can’t resist a smile. “I want to play with him right now. “I won’t see him for a while. “I do his favorite whistle call, “yet he don’t come to me–” (laughs) “I am so depressed–” – Why he don’t come to me? – “I am so depressed. “I lost my dog. “I’m moving to Fiji.” – That’s the inverse of the last one. – “The end.”
– The end. – Yeah you can’t–
– Fiji. I 100% think that that last one was you. – Okay.
– That’s what I think. – [Jeremy] Did you ever
have a dog growing up? – He did and he loved it.
– I did. – Did you have a cat? – I didn’t have a cat. – Okay so–
– Well, maybe. – Well, maybe? – The story about how James’s dog died super sad.
– Maybe he didn’t have a cat? – Oh my God. – Okay, we’ll tell the
story about my dog died but you have to, which
one do you think was mine? – Just thinking about
telling a story about– – Of my dog dying is just hilarious? – I mean, I have a great story– – It’s so sad. – I have a great story about a dog died, but we’ll get to that too. – What do you think, the
option one, two or three? – I, honestly, could
see you in all of them. – I know, right? That’s what I’m saying. – I think it may be the E.T. one because it doesn’t make sense. (laughs) – It’s kind of rambling. – Yes. – It makes sense. – Top of the head, sort of writing. – And it’s also written
kinda in the same voice as “I was a Teenage…”
which, that’s a teenage E.T. – That’s a kinda reason. – I’m gonna go with the dog one, knowing that your dog tragically– – It was the dog one.
– It was the dog one? – Oh, nailed it. – At the end there. All right and so that was
actually in from Makenna Moncuso. – Makenna Moncuso.
– Great job Makenna. – Thank you for doing your worst. – And then the very
violent one, no judgment. – No judgment.
– No judgment. – From Ryan Farley.
– Ryan Farley, thank you. – We hope your cat is okay, Ryan. – You might have a career
as the dark Dr. Seuss. – Yeah.
– Dark-ter Seuss. – All right– – Are we gonna hear the story?
– My story, okay. – Unless it’s like, really
sad, but I’ll probably– – So, it was my birthday. – Oh no! – This is true. – I mean that’s really–
– Like, how old were you? – That’s really the epitome
of the sadness of the story. – It’s so sad. – All right, well let’s move
on with some submissions. – [Narrator] Guys, I am
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can learn in two months and it’s a free trial. Just go to That’s for two months of learning for free, to try it out. – This one is a story. It’s called “Dungeons
and Tequila and Dragons.” – Okay.
– The combination. – Starts with listing the characters, DM, Archer, and Assassin. And here’s the script. “Assassin, ‘Uh, why do you keep
playing that song, Archer?'” “The end.” (laughs) – What song was it? – We’ll never know–
– We’ll never know. – But why is tequila in there? (laughs) – Oh, duh nuh dunna dunna nuh nuh. – That was a submission by Kate Legends. Thank you. You have done your worst. – Done their worst. I wanna know why the Archer was the one singing a song or playing a song. – So let’s critique that story. – Maybe you needed a minstrel. It feels like that fits in the D&D world. – I mean–
– Or a bard. – I mean, technically,
an Archer has a bow. – A minstrel, what am I? – And what is a guitar
but a six-stringed bow? – That’s right. – Deep. – What’s the next one you have? – The next one, let’s see. We’re gonna do a little
game called Quick Critiques. – Okay. – So I’m gonna read a section
of story that was sent in and I’ll shotgun critique, okay. “So, one day, in New
York, there was a woman. “She worked hard every day
so she could support herself “and her husband, Edward. “Her name is Hayley. “Hayley’s job–” (laughs) “Hayley’s job is just a–” – [Matt] Just gonna throw it out there. – “Is just a normal business place.” Quick critique, Matt. – A little specificity might be nice. A business place? That’s a very, very broad term. Is it a restaurant, is it in
the food service industry? Or is it like a stock place? Both are businesses, a stock
place is also very nondescript. (laughs) – A stock broker? – I know all about stocks and money. – Money place. – [Matt] Is it a money place? – She worked at Money Place,
right across from field. (laughs) That’s actually not a bad idea for like, a really generic, hilarious sketch. – That would be very funny, yeah, if you fully committed to that. – Just committed to that. All right, great, here’s the next one. “Two friends are leaving a band concert. “Friend One,” here you
wanna play Friend One and I’ll play Friend Two? – “You know, we can play an instrument. “Maybe we should start a
little band with friends.” – “That would be so cool. “Let’s do that and we can
create our own music, too. “The next day, the two friends “are hanging out at a coffee house. “Okay, so I emailed some friends “and they’re in and the music
is looking really good.” (laughs) – “You know I was just kidding, right?” – “Oh yeah, so was I. (laughs) “Friend Two secretly texts her friends, “‘Nevermind,’ under the table.” – Oh, and it’s over?
– It’s over. – Quick critique.
– Jeremy. – The most interesting
thing about that is that he used the phrase “and the
music is looking really good.” Music is sound and you
don’t really see it. That guy sounds more like an agent, like, yeah, they’re already,
they’re gonna do it, yeah, they’re attached,
it’s looking great. – The music is looking real good. – It’s really great.
– It’s really great. – You know, I really
need a house to live in. Yeah, we should build a house. And then the next day, they’re like, dude, I built this house, I
lived in it, it’s really good. – It’s sounding really good. – I’m just kidding, man. He’s like, yeah, me too. – Yeah, that’s like–
– It’s looking real good. – My wife and I got married once and– (laughs) I said, “I’m so happy we’re married.” And she said, “Dude, I was joking.” (laughs) And then I said, “Yeah, me
too, this marriage is dumb.” – Yeah, I was just joking, too. Like, all those kids, those are joke kids. – Yeah, like all my children,
they’re like, pranks. (laughs) It’s like, really long
and expensive pranks but like, joke’s on you,
you have to live now. (laughs) – And that was a submission
by Eileen Burburque. – Berque?
– Burku. – Eileen.
– Come on, Eileen. – We’re gonna play a game called Raise Your Hand When You Feel Lost. – Oh, I love that.
– Okay. – Instant fever or audio listeners, I don’t know if there’s
something to do, like… – Oh, make a sound (clicks tongue). I don’t know.
– Lost. – Just say, “Lost.” – [Matt] Jeremy’s idea makes more sense. – Just raise your hand and say lost. All right– – [Matt] Hum the first three bars of– – This is another submission. This is called “Regret Is.” (laughs) – Is there a dot dot dot? – Please send.
– No. But seriously, try to follow it. – Okay.
– Okay. – And once you can’t– – I’m gonna concentrate. – “Regret is foolish, silly, even. “A concept that draws
breath from warmheartedness, “from the soul, from a
compassionate person.” – I’m lost. (laughs) – “To discompose the self,
to be hated by others, “to despise the being
because of regret, your own.” – Can I say I’m lost because
of the word discomposed? – “Regret is a thing,
when it is to be, what? “A concept, yet a humiliating
one, but this, an opinion. “Regret is good, friendly, even. “A concept that draws
breath from warmheartedness, “from the soul, from a
compassionate person.” – I’m lost again. (laughs) – I had a really hard
time, really hard time. – Were you following the whole time? – Yeah, somebody is obviously dealing with something
that they regret, but– – Well, yeah. – But, I mean, at the end,
a regret is what it is. Regret is whatever you let it be. – Wow. – Bring it back, like– (talking over each other) I think the regret is like, they’re breaking themselves down. They’re their own worst enemy
and it’s just an opinion, nobody else is thinking about that and people still love them and stuff and they get that love
and then back together and like, oh great, great,
but then they’re like– – Lost.
(laughs) – It’s life, man. What have you.
– Thank you, A Nonymous Grub. – [Matt] I’m gonna look up discomposed. – It was fine, it wasn’t bad. – No.
– No, it was fine. – I do think every idea has
at least some goodness to it. – This segment is called
Would You Buy This Product? – Okay. – This person wrote a commercial. – Oh great.
– Oh. – A commercial.
– I like that. – “So, a grandma’s pushing
a shopping cart in Costco. “Cell phone rings. “‘Uh, hello?’ “Voice on the phone is a very young child. “‘Grandma!’ “‘Oh, hi sweetie, how are you?’ “‘Story, story!’ “‘Okay, just one.’ “‘Once upon a time–‘ “‘No, grandma, sing, sing!’ “Grandma quietly starts singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star while shopping “and looking awkwardly around “to make sure no one is watching. “‘Grandma, loud, loud!’ “Grandma continues
singing a little louder. “‘Sing, grandma!’ “Grandma switched the phone to FaceTime. “‘Grandma dance!’ “She starts dancing using products “and people around as props. “Fade out to the words,
‘T-Mobile, let’s be honest, sometimes it’s nice to
have bad cell phone…'” (laughs) – I like it.
– I love it. – Is that a dig at T-Mobile? – I can’t tell.
– I think so. – [Matt] Yeah, I guess it is. – Or is it that we have
such good reception that like, you’re gonna be forced– – You’re gonna regret it? – I mean–
– It’s just a dig at T-Mobile. – I mean, it made me laugh, but– – The whole commercial
that someone put out, just to be like– – I think you just need an extra line to make it not a dig at T-Mobile. – Yeah, and so– – Sometimes it’s good
to have bad reception. In that case, you shouldn’t get T-Mobile. – Yeah, yeah, yeah, something like that or like, for everything
else, there’s T-Mobile. (laughs) – I just love the– – Like the MasterCard commercials. – I just love the idea that
someone puts out a commercial just saying T-Mobile gets
really bad cell phone reception but sometimes you might want that. – It’s a feature, not a bug. (laughs) – Buy us, buy T-Mobile. No, that is one moment away from being a really fun commercial
and I would change grandma to be like, maybe a burly
dad kind of a thing. – Because why would
grandma be embarrassed? – Yeah. – And to answer the
question, would you buy it? No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t sign up for T-Mobile. – Nah, all right, well, sorry
guys, they wouldn’t buy it. – With the little changes, though, I’d be like, respect, I like the approach. – It could be like a real
brave move from them. – Yeah, whoever wrote that, I would say– – Jeremy Bentley. – Jeremy Bentley, great job. – I think, that could be really funny. – And so, see, I think some people are sending their first
and not their worst. (laughs) – Or maybe he didn’t realize how great it would be until this moment. – Well, I’ve done that, too. I’ve come and been like, I have
no idea what to do with this and then we read through
and people are like… – It’s great. – It’s just, put one line
at the end and it’s good. – We just did a sketch show
and Matt brought a sketch, that was like, eh, it’s not good. It was everyone’s favorite
sketch in the whole show. – It’s like the one that
needed the least edits. – I mean, it’s on YouTube. – Did I say that?
– It’s on YouTube right now. – You like, so underplayed that and said, “It’s not
great, it’s something.” – Well, I had also written that– (laughs) – Which is a good tactic for a pitch. – I think I just, I had
written a sketch that used– – Oh, the– – Like demons or something,
the personality test. And so I was like, it’s
another devil-related sketch. Wipe that other one from your mind. – For our next one, we’re gonna get into the spirit of Christmas. – Oh, great.
– Okay. – Can you believe it, this early? – It’s Christmas in September. – We haven’t even hit, yeah, yeah, yeah. – Yeah, exactly. – Halloween’s not like a real holiday. – I can’t believe you just said that. – Hey that is, that’s fighting words. – Nah, there’s Thanksgiving. – Okay, so imagine– (laughs) – I won’t come to the defense. – Let’s set the scene. We’re all together on
a Christmas Eve night. This is a Christmas poem. It’s called Becca’s Christmas Poem. – [Jeremy] I’d laugh if this is just– – “At the northernmost peak of our planet, “there’s a vast wasteland,
a dessert of cold snow, “ice, black water rushing under all. “No plants grow. “The only food is from the kill.” (laughs) – That took a dark, yes. – I just really wanted to read that first paragraph
from a Christmas poem. – Oh yeah, this is a Christmas poem. – Yeah, we’re shifting gears real fast. – I totally forgot. – I know, right. – I’m like, oh, okay. – It’s like, what is happening right now? – I’m enthralled. – But it does start with
a quote from Othello. – Doesn’t he die? – The happy play from Shakespeare. “When devils will, the
blackest deeds put on, “they do suggest at first,
with heavenly shows.” So, that was our Christmas spirit. – Oh wait, that’s it? – That’s not the whole thing?
– I can keep reading. – I wanna hear more. – All right, all right. “At this peak, there is a pole, “not a barber’s pole, white
and red and striped like candy. “The pole is black, sharp, gleaming, “standing like a sharp canine
from a soft, white gum.” – Yeah, white gums.
– Near this pole. – White gums, that’s like, bad, right? – Well, yeah, if your gums were white, you might have scurvy but I think that, yeah, okay, I’m following the imagery. – “Near this pole lies a mansion. “Built for one being. “Rooms are large, tall, wide. “Fires burning like furnaces in all hers. “The windows are small,
for light is not desired.” (laughs) – Oh my gosh.
– Wow. – Is this like, the darkest? – Every one starts out like, okay and then it’s just like, darkness. – Becca, you need to find
Darker Seuss and get together. – Oh my God.
(laughs) – Dark-ter Seuss and Becca need to write some stuff together. – Is this a poem about Krampus? – Oh, maybe it’ll be about Krampus. Or, it’s like– – I don’t know. – It was written by an atheist. – But it definitely wants me
feel the Christmas spirit. – I guess you don’t have to be
Christmas-y to do Christmas. – Yeah, it’s starting
out as a pagan thing. Instantly, I thought that, when they’re talking about the
ice and then the polar caps, I just thought, for a little bit longer. (laughs) – So you were already in a dark place? – Yeah, yeah.
– Man. – I’m not a scientist–
– The real problem is climate change. (laughs) – Ha, now you have to live, with this. – Good luck. – All right, so, that’s
all the time we have for submissions today. We want to end the podcast
with Adam’s submission. – Oh.
– Oh, yes. – This is a song. – It’s a song.
– Okay. – This is a song parody I
wrote back in divine comedy. It was after Provo, Utah girls and we’re like, well, that was successful and so we all like, started writing them. And like, zombies were
really big at the time. This Taylor Swift song had just come out. – They still are. – So it’s The Story of Us, it’s
a parody of The Story of Us. Could you sing it, kinda-ish? – Just because I know Taylor Swift? (laughs) – Well, I don’t remember
that song very well. – You just assume. – I do, I do know Taylor Swift well. I am married to an avid Taylor Swift fan and by proxy, I listen to a lot. – So this is The Zombie Virus. “Opening, Adam is writing, “Whitney is skipping in a different shot, “eating cotton candy.” That seems so sexist.
– Why not? – Just like, she’s a girl. (laughs) “He turns a corner and runs into her. “She drops the cotton candy. “Adam points behind him,
implying the coming of zombies.” You know, that kind of point. (laughs) “She points– – There’s only one point it could be. – “She points the way to her apartment. “They run off. “Shot of the cotton candy on the ground “being stepped on by a zombie foot.” ♪ Never thought one day
that the zombie virus ♪ ♪ Could mix killing
with love so perfectly ♪ ♪ And I happen to have my machine gun ♪ (laughs) ♪ Sending signals your way ♪ ♪ Winking flirtatiously ♪ ♪ So you take my hand ♪ ♪ And say you’re here for me ♪ ♪ This might be the best
date I’ve ever been on ♪ ♪ Oh, evil globalization ♪ ♪ A quick zombie vacation ♪ ♪ It’s contagious ♪ (laughs) – Is that I’m here with you. ♪ Here with you because last
man on Earth is in Provo, too ♪ – Something like that. – I don’t know. ♪ Now we’re standing
alone in my living room ♪ ♪ Holding some weapons ♪ ♪ And I’m trying to show
that I’m flirting with you ♪ ♪ While you build a blockade, yeah ♪ ♪ I don’t know what to say ♪ ♪ Since the twist of fate ♪ ♪ And the door broke down ♪ ♪ Since the zombie virus
is pretty inescapable now ♪ (hands clap) ♪ No bullets ♪ (laughs) – The beat helped. ♪ How’d we end up this way ♪ ♪ I am nervously pulling at my clothes ♪ ♪ And trying to look pretty ♪ ♪ While you’re doing
your best to protect me ♪ – Like, sexist, I don’t get it. ♪ Start to think one day
I’ll tell the story of us ♪ ♪ How I reached for your
hand when you looked away ♪ ♪ But the hand I grabbed was disembodied ♪ ♪ Oh, I’m scared to see the ending ♪ ♪ How can we pretend
we will survive this ♪ – Oh, I got off beat.
– I don’t know that part. – Yeah, “I tell you I’d help
you but I don’t know how. “I’ve got a grenade but
the pin won’t come out.” ♪ Now they’re taking me down ♪ – That’s nice, though. ♪ Like a wounded gazelle ♪ ♪ But I keep thinking ♪ ♪ That I’m dying to show ♪ ♪ That I’m crushing on you ♪ ♪ While they’re crushing me ♪ – Nice wordplay. ♪ I don’t know what to say ♪ ♪ Since the twist of fate ♪ ♪ And I’m feeling strange ♪ ♪ ‘Cause the zombie virus ♪ ♪ Make me wanna start chewing
on brains, brains, brains ♪ ♪ Now I’m hungry ♪ ♪ But I’m dying to know ♪ ♪ Have they infected you ♪ ♪ Like they infected me, yeah ♪ ♪ I don’t know what to say ♪ ♪ Since the twist of fate ♪ ♪ So let’s write our vows ♪ ♪ ‘Cause the apocalypse looks ♪ ♪ A lot like a miracle now ♪ The end of the world. (laughs) (Matt and Jeremy cheer) – All right, Adam. – Looking back, it’s perfect. (laughs) – It’s wonderful. – I would change not a thing. – She sings this line,
“I have a machine gun “but you’re protecting me.” Okay, ’cause he’s a man? – It’s very love song-y, kinda thing. I kinda had wished that once
she had turned into a zombie that all of her lyrics from then on would have been brains. ♪ Brains, brains, brains, brains, brains ♪ ♪ Brains, brains, brains,
they’re falling out of my guts ♪ (laughs) – I really liked the grenade pin part. – She’s got a grenade. – I think there’s a lot of
things that are fun about this. Having a love story in the
middle of the zombie apocalypse. – Warm Bodies. – That’s what I’m saying,
it’s very Warm Bodies. – Yeah, exactly.
– This is the song that inspired Warm Bodies.
– What year was this? – Did you write this before Warm Bodies? – This was before Warm Bodies. – Oh, this probably
was before Warm Bodies. This was like, 2011, ’10, ’11. – Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Warm Bodies was ’13, I think. – As we all know. – Stole my ideas.
– Yes, of course. – I love Warm Bodies, that’s a great film. I watch it at least once a year. – Every Christmas.
– Every Christmas, yeah. (laughs) It’s a great Christmas movie. – Her narrating what’s happening, instead of showing what’s happening and then singing. – Something else. – Her feelings, it’s like, I’m doing this but I’m doing this and I’m doing this. – Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. – Just like that other one. – It could have been just visually all these things but then– – A lot of this it like… – It’s contrapuntal to the
lyrics that are being sung. – But, at the same
time, just like that one that was just extremely vague, like, she works at business place. (laughs) Like it would be fun to
just go all the way in and just be like, ♪ And I’m walking into
the kitchen right now ♪ ♪ and looking to see if there’s
something I want to eat ♪ ♪ And I think that there is ♪ ♪ ‘Cause the cereal’s pretty good ♪ ♪ But I also like this other cereal ♪ (laughs) – This is like, the most mundane… – She does everything. – Daily life stuff, but
this rising epic music. Oh, I love that. – The story of– ♪ And I pour it in a bowl ♪ ♪ ‘Cause that how you eat cereal ♪ (laughs) ♪ And then there’s milk ♪ ♪ But I don’t know there’s enough milk ♪ ♪ And I have– ♪ (laughs) – In the spirit of complete honesty, I was so mad when we did not make this. I was like, it’s so good. How dare we not make this. And now, I’m like, oh
my goodness, thank you. (laughs) – I remember you had written
another musical parody song that I do think, in hindsight, I was like, oh I wish we had done that one. It was the mono one– – Yeah, the mono one to Adele. What was the song? ♪ Rumor has it ♪ – Rumor has it, oh, ’cause it was like– – So and so has it. – Matthew has it. Katelyn has it. And then, visually, you see how it transfers from person to person, like sharing a cup and stuff. – All right, thank you guys so much for joining us on Do Your Worst. We thank you guys again
for your submissions and you can send some more in at JK– (laughs) – Do Your Worst.
– Just wherever, we’ll find them. – Type in JK Studios in Google and… – And then just say,
“Submit,” to your computer. (laughs) And it will get to us. – Send us some Marco Polo of
just you saying… (wheezes) – Alternatively, you can– (laughs) You can send it to
[email protected] – We want all your stuff that
you used to think was good. – Yeah.
– Yes. – Or never thought was good. – Yeah, that works, too. I’m curious to know if there was a favorite line from
today that anyone has? ‘Cause I love that part. – Probably, the music’s
looking really good. (laughs) – Music’s looking really good. – It’s looking really good. (laughs) – I think knowing is half the power. (laughs) – Do your worst! – Do your worst! – Can we make a t-shirt that says that? (laughs) – Yay. (everyone cheers) – Thank you.
– End scene.

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