How To Tell If Someone Truly Loves You | Femi Ogunjinmi | TEDxXavierUniversity


Translator: Stilyana Stoyanova
Reviewer: Vanessa Soneghet By show of hands, How many of you have ever
gotten in a relationship because you felt that you were in love? Very good! How many have ever broken up
and said to the person, “You don’t deserve me.” Ah-ha! “As a matter of fact, I don’t even know how I fell in love
with you in the first place.” Oh, I know. You were drunk in love, right? In my line of field,
as a relationship coach, clients come to me
with their love problems. One client wants me
to evaluate her relationship. She’s been with her boyfriend
for over four years. There is no promise ring,
no engagement ring, no conversation about wedding. And on top of it, he is cheating on her. She wants to know if she should continue
with the relationship or kick the guy to the curb. So, I ask her, “How many times
has he cheated on you?” She says, “At least four times.” When a lady says “at least four times,” multiply that by two. It’s eight times. “Do you love him?” “Yes,” she replies. “Does he love you?” “He says he does, but his action does not show it.” “What action specifically?” “The cheating.” “If you loved someone, would you cheat on them? If you truly loved someone, would you cheat on them at least four times multiplied by two?” She says, “No.” Well, if your answer is “no,”
then you know what to do. True love that is not
backed up by the right action is not true love. Another client says he is happy in his relationship, he loves his girl, but he is cheating on the side
with a married woman, and they are both in love together. And he does not know
how he got himself in this situation. I say, “You know how
you got yourself in this mess. You shifted your focus
from your girl to someone else. You divided your
attention and your emotions. Someone who used to hold
the first priority on your heart no longer holds that position. That’s how you got yourself in this mess. So what do you want to do?” He says he would like the married woman
to be able to manage the situation. “What do you mean by this?” Well, every time the woman
is with her husband, she always thinks about him, and he does not want
the husband to get suspicious so that he does not stop the affair. I’m like, “Wait a minute! So you want to continue having
this affair with this woman?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Really? How would your girlfriend
feel about this? Put yourself in her shoes. You have a boyfriend who says
he is happy with you, he is in love with you, but at the same time, he is cheating with someone else
that he is falling in love with. Can you actually love two people
at the same time?” He says, “I don’t want any changes. I just want the situation
to remain the same. I want to keep both women in my life.” I say, “Wow! You are just like McDonald’s slogan: you are lovin’ it. Aren’t you?” Love is powerful. According to a survey, about 9 out of 10 Americans cited love as an important
factor to get married. Past statistics show
that 50% of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and a stagering high
of 73% of third marriages end in divorce. The question is, If love is an important factor that influences people to get married, how come it does not hold the marriage? How come it does not hold
the relationship together? When we examine love in a break up, I believe one of three
things has happened. It’s either: one, there was no love at the beginning
of the relationship to start with; two, there was something bigger than the love
that broke the relationship; or three, the love declined. I can understand when you feel
like your love is depreciating and you tell your partner,
“I just don’t love you right now,” especially, when you are
having a meal together and your partner becomes
inquisitive to ask why because he just ate
the last piece of the pie – “If you loved me,
you would let me have it.” That’s what you say. Right, ladies? At the same token, I believe there is nothing
bigger than love that can break a relationship – absolutely nothing – if the couple truly loves each other. And that is what I want
to talk to you about today: true love. There are different types
of love out there. You have the philia love, which is brotherly love. It is what you share with your family,
friends or colleagues. Another one is eros. It is a sexual type of love. It gives the feelings of arousal. This is what you feel when you see a beautiful
sexy person just walking past, and you are like,
“Oh, oh ma ma ma ma ma.” You cannot stop looking at them. You cannot hold yourself together. You begin to fantasise and have all kinds
of imagination about that person. You are having eros type of love. The next one is what
Mary J. Blige calls “real love.” You all know the song! “Real love,
oh I’m searching for a real love, someone to make
my heart feel real love.” And we are still trying to understand
what she meant by “real love.” You see, all these types of love
cannot sustain a relationship. They cannot hold a relationship together. But true love, which the Bible also
describes as agape love, can hold a relationship together, can keep a relationship for a long haul. What is true love? True love is passionate love. You have two independent words,
passion and love, fused together to make
a strong definition. Passion is the force that drives
the love for something; it is the flow that keeps love going. Love without passion is
like a body without a soul. It is like a car without an engine. No movement would happen. And just in case you are wondering how you can tell
if someone truly loves you or if you truly love someone: sacrifice. Sacrifice for one another would indicate
if you truly loved each other. And sacrifice is giving up something for another thing
that is far more important. Just like giving up that piece of pie
for your girl that is far more important. Or it is the release
of something in your possession in an exchange for another
thing that you love. This is exactly what God did when he released and sacrificed
his only son, Jesus, just to have us. “For God so loved the world
that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him will not
perish but have everlasting life.” God demostrated true love – agape love. Love filled with passion and sacrifice. I had an opportunity
to demonstrate my true love. I was in college, I enjoyed galvanizing
people for networking, and I did this by throwing parties. And if you know one thing
about throwing parties, the more women you have there,
the more men want to come in, spend money at the bar,
buy drinks, buy bottles. So my goal, every time,
is to have as many ladies at the party. This, however, opens the door
to always have women around me. I remember after throwing a party, three women that do not know each other say they want to spend
the night at my house. They wake up in the morning, one begins to feed me breakfast. The second one gets jealous. She goes into the kitchen. Grabs food.
Comes back. She starts to feed me. The third one looking like,
“This is crazy. Should I join the party or what?” I am thinking to myself,
“It’s all a dream.” But no, it’s a reality. I’m like Hugh Hefner
up in my house with the bunnies. But that reality was short-lived, as I meet a girl
that I am truly in love with, and she is truly
in love with me as well. But she does not like
the lifestyle that I am living. She does not want to compete
with any other woman. This is a deal breaker for her, and, of course, it is
an odd situation for me because that means that I am going to have
to give up throwing parties and spending time with other women so that I can have and keep her. So I begin to analyse the situation. What am I going to do? Who or what should I pick? Her over them or them over her? This is my kairos moment. My moment of decision. This is where true love
and sacrifice come into play. So I made a decision and a sacrifice to give up both throwing parties
and spending time with other women so that I can have and keep this girl
that I am truly in love with. A few years later, we got married and we have two beautiful
amazing children together. You see, true love
is the only type of love that can keep and sustain a relationship. It will help you to make
the ultimate sacrifice, to give up playing games,
quit destructive habits and seek counselling when you can
to acquire tools and knowledge in order for you to have
a healthy relationship. Because of the love problems
that people are having is the reason why I wrote my book, “Revelations of Relationship – What you don’t know about finding true
love and sustaining relationship.” I want to admonish you all to find and practice true love
in your relationship. Cheers to your improvement. (Applause)

100 Comments

  1. K Junior

    October 14, 2019 at 7:34 pm

    Love how this man talks, well spoken

  2. oorja sinha

    October 15, 2019 at 11:22 am

    He's so handsome, I can't stop looking

  3. Yukine Sekki

    October 15, 2019 at 1:11 pm

    Wakanda forevahh!!!

  4. Arkansas

    October 15, 2019 at 4:21 pm

    Legend has it, there was no audience.

  5. CJ C

    October 15, 2019 at 9:34 pm

    I love his American Airlines suit.😂

  6. Adonius Boyd

    October 16, 2019 at 2:17 am

    I was into it until he started talking about God… I wish I had the religious beliefs to actually follow this but… Ner mind man

  7. Matithyahu Ben Yasharahla

    October 16, 2019 at 5:31 am

    1 john 3:18 let us not love with words or speech but actions and in truth.

  8. Cesar T Rex

    October 16, 2019 at 7:39 pm

    Then he goes and becomes the captain of the ship .🤣🤣

  9. Aphiwe Magaya

    October 16, 2019 at 7:57 pm

    I'm sure most single women in that audience were like "I want this guy,but damn I see a ring on his fingers"😂

  10. Vero Perez

    October 17, 2019 at 1:43 am

    I'm here because my bf mother died and broke up with me .but he told me I was a distraction. Either he still loves us wife or he feels bad because I shown him I truly love him and he doesn't want this to lead a serious. He did stated he can't handle a relationship which I agree but I love him and I want to be there for him to count on me that I'm not just there for fun but as a real women. Anyways what's your feedback people .

  11. Expanding TheParadigmShift

    October 17, 2019 at 3:26 am

    THIS IS A TED-WALL TALK FOR CHEATERS

  12. Twaale Bellahshiloh

    October 17, 2019 at 5:50 am

    At times someone can cheat to save his relationship. My Unemployment brother used to cheat on his wife to just get money to take care of her needs. Since the other woman was giving him enough Money that kept his lover until marriage. Otherwise she was to quit relationship without income.

  13. V for voodoo

    October 17, 2019 at 7:22 pm

    Man manages to make a bare minimum descent decision in his love life –> writes a book, gives Ted talk.

  14. James

    October 17, 2019 at 7:32 pm

    How to tell from a confused man.

  15. Annonymously Dumb

    October 17, 2019 at 10:07 pm

    I sacrificed my relationship for my partner because she wanted it and she wasn’t happy in the relationship as she was “bored”. I let her go to give her some personal space, to make her thoughts clear. Thinking she’ll come back once she’s ready. And guess what? Right after few months she was already in a relationship with a guy being all lovey dovey all over her sns. And that’s when I realised being single and treating myself the right way and spending time with family is worth than wasting time and effort on people who doesn’t appreciate you.

  16. Katie L

    October 18, 2019 at 1:39 am

    I love him he’s so funny

  17. Tracy

    October 18, 2019 at 5:47 am

    Or I don’t deserve you 🤢

  18. Adeeb morshed nazir

    October 18, 2019 at 3:05 pm

    Did i just get a ad of senorita before this video?

  19. janie lou johnson

    October 18, 2019 at 10:01 pm

    Matthew 6:24. Can not serve 2 master. Keep it simple; one spouse only!one romantic relationship only! Don't entertain inappropriate thoughts! Work on relationship😍 Wise advice to help make healthy choices.

  20. Inured Glamour

    October 19, 2019 at 3:03 am

    A dry conference

  21. syncopatedglory

    October 19, 2019 at 5:01 am

    i love his accent omg.

  22. syncopatedglory

    October 19, 2019 at 5:17 am

    this crowd was so lifeless that i am mad on his behalf 😒

  23. Joyce Corwell

    October 19, 2019 at 11:08 am

    She should leave him! Now the person I met she says she knew in the first year brought me an engagement ring

  24. Jael Wanyama

    October 19, 2019 at 1:55 pm

    I love his delivery

  25. Dr Sess

    October 19, 2019 at 6:48 pm

    I have true love for your skin regimen

  26. Miss Daisy

    October 19, 2019 at 8:21 pm

    Can anyone tell me what kind of love my father had? My mom and dad left their family to be with eachother cause their family wouldn’t accept their relationship. My mom was single mom with kids so my dad’s family didn’t want to accept her. But after a relation of 20 years my dad left for another younger woman. They both sacrificed and loved eachother, my mom cared for him more than she was cared for. But my dad did sacrifices like leaving his family for her and then leaving country to get a better job so he could provide shelter for her and her kids. I think true love is also breakable sadly

  27. Michael Esposito

    October 20, 2019 at 5:17 am

    Nothing last forever. Enjoy it while it last. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It's better than no love.

  28. lasvegasrockero

    October 20, 2019 at 7:33 am

    Am I the only one who is bothered by the wrinkled shirt and the semi-done tie?. It was a beautiful message in the end so totally worth it

  29. progress thru process

    October 20, 2019 at 7:26 pm

    This audiance is tired af

  30. Anna Anna

    October 20, 2019 at 8:29 pm

    Ugh that was a waste of time. Love is passion, and sacrifice because jesus.

  31. Bacon is Love

    October 21, 2019 at 8:10 am

    Wow this guy is a true gem. Praise God.

  32. NinakiBG

    October 21, 2019 at 11:32 am

    Boy he made a sacrifice 😂

  33. Jermaine Wright

    October 21, 2019 at 3:39 pm

    i don't want to give up playing video games

  34. Yanina Miller

    October 21, 2019 at 8:14 pm

    Multiply it by 10.

  35. Tiffany Wiggins

    October 22, 2019 at 5:56 pm

    Femi I meet him at Morgan State University in 2002 he still looks the same and same personality

  36. Queenly

    October 22, 2019 at 7:29 pm

    I don’t think a man ever loved me but then again I don’t think I never met a real man

  37. Shaikh Jaafar

    October 22, 2019 at 9:59 pm

    No one loves me accept Moses, Jesus, and Mohammad peace be upon them .

  38. Peter C

    October 22, 2019 at 10:58 pm

    I’m surprised they let him talk about love and preach at the same time. And YouTube let them upload it. Lol

  39. Jessica Pineda

    October 22, 2019 at 11:52 pm

    7:00 types of love

    True love = passion (sacrifice for one another will indicate if you love each other)

  40. dinosaur rex

    October 23, 2019 at 4:07 am

    love/lust is an empty priority, has no practical application, self indulgence is aimless

  41. ZaraShenewTV

    October 23, 2019 at 10:00 am

    He’s making so much sense ….. and his skin is so hmmm naija .👏

  42. Kevin Avrillon

    October 23, 2019 at 5:17 pm

    Personally, when cheating happens in a long term relationship, it's not that love is broken it's that their is an unmet need in one of the partners, and this has been during a "long time".

  43. Jiron06

    October 23, 2019 at 11:02 pm

    His delivery and stage presence isn’t good

  44. Aquanetta Speight

    October 24, 2019 at 3:00 am

    Why should I believe what you say ( can't even say your name an anyone can say they are a coach 🤔)

  45. Sophia

    October 24, 2019 at 4:46 am

    What a great Nigerian man, please teach your sons to be just as great 😭

  46. Martin K. Schröder

    October 24, 2019 at 1:49 pm

    Yeah the only reason to stop cheating is true love.

  47. Giselle Gutierrez

    October 24, 2019 at 3:55 pm

    Wish I would’ve seen this before I sacrificed so much for my ex who ended up trying to cheat on me with my friend and took so much money from me… You live you learn… 🤷🏻‍♀️

  48. Snoopy 79

    October 24, 2019 at 5:18 pm

    Tough crowd

  49. grr

    October 25, 2019 at 12:26 am

    i loved this talk

  50. Erin Rose Hubbard

    October 25, 2019 at 3:41 am

    This was very anecdotal and un-scientific. Not that some of what he said isn't valuable, but an "idea worth spreading," in my opinion, should be a bit more rooted in concrete study.

  51. Isabella Soto

    October 25, 2019 at 2:22 pm

    Can true love be constructed? Or is it an instantly feeling?

  52. peppe von Matterhorn

    October 25, 2019 at 2:38 pm

    Before i watch the video, i can tell your dog is the only one that truly loves you!

  53. JC Barton

    October 25, 2019 at 3:31 pm

    Whoa, good words bro 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

  54. Kevin Thao

    October 26, 2019 at 3:57 am

    I love his connection with the Gospel! Very very true

  55. cleffered_mints

    October 26, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    I didn't know there was an audience till the last applause

  56. Chrissy Knowsbest

    October 27, 2019 at 12:51 am

    Smh waste

  57. Mae G

    October 27, 2019 at 1:29 am

    I became uninterested when he brought up god..

  58. domstan07

    October 27, 2019 at 9:18 pm

    Yayyy I really enjoyed this ted talk. Valuable information.

  59. Bri

    October 28, 2019 at 4:52 am

    I truly needed this, thanks for sharing! Great wisdom.

  60. George Olivas

    October 28, 2019 at 11:38 pm

    my husband has been cheating on me for years now…how do i find out?thanks to Steve for his help.i was able to have access to his iphone text and emails including his instagram and facebook chat with another lady.i so much appreciate almightyhacker for his assist,you re really a genius. contact him on ciaberhacker2019 @gmailcom. tell him you are referred to him by mrs xian.

  61. Red Dragon

    October 29, 2019 at 10:51 am

    lets see what you got

  62. Shonna Kelso

    October 29, 2019 at 10:55 am

    He doesn't differentiate between the 2 separate things being disussed here:
    1Love
    2Commitment
    They are not the same thing…in both cases ultimately they are gifts you give to yourself as well as another person…and you understand the real value of both.
    I don't believe real love is the only or necessarily the ultimate motivation for commitment, but that a wiilingness to make a commitment is rather more a function of who the particular individual is and where they are in their life's journey, and whether they are personally ready. Not everyone chooses to commit to a monogamous lifestyle, which is their right.
    The so called "sacrificial" practise of being monogamous may ring more true for some than others. Frankly, because I work hard at my relationships, never chose to work on more than one at a time. I was also very up front when I was dating that I had more than one suitor and that I was dating more than one person.
    I think ultimately if you want to be in a committed relationship then first commit to loving yourself enough not to date others who aren't interested in the same goal.

  63. Astralisk

    October 29, 2019 at 10:31 pm

    bet there were at least a dozen cheaters in the audience

  64. Heather

    October 30, 2019 at 11:48 am

    I kind of wish he hadn't brought religion into it. I'm not trying to say his beliefs are wrong, but whenever I hear a speaker cite their religion as a reference point as if it is fact, it makes me feel like I should be more cautious. Are the other things he is saying fact or opinion? Is there evidence in his client's lives that support his claims? Though I do feel like this is more opinion-based, it is very thought-provoking. ( :

  65. Mark Angelo Gozon

    October 31, 2019 at 3:17 am

    Man what's wrong with the audience.. It's a TEDx talk not a funeral.

  66. Dr. Elham

    October 31, 2019 at 6:10 pm

    Money is bigger than love and most of time broke relationship

  67. Ismene Edecaste

    November 1, 2019 at 4:19 pm

    …..probably the wierdest ted talk I've watched on youtube…

  68. Sr. Yuba

    November 1, 2019 at 5:39 pm

    He lost me when he said the bible love…i would say love alone is not enough u need love+discipline for a lasting relationship.

  69. Kat Dillow

    November 1, 2019 at 6:16 pm

    He has a beautiful message and voice.

    To the audience,
    If I want to be alone I'll call you guys.

  70. Pastel Dreams

    November 2, 2019 at 7:41 am

    All of the comments are about the following things:

    a. The audience sucks
    b. Omg his skinnnn
    c. All of this is common sense
    d. He's African and we love him

    Yep, that's all folks.

  71. Netty

    November 3, 2019 at 1:58 pm

    Great job, and thanks for the truth, many men sugar coat the truth of their manhood. I learned a lot and looked your book up at Amazon.

  72. Fearless Frogcatcher

    November 4, 2019 at 5:05 am

    Does true love really exist?

  73. lidia cathryn

    November 4, 2019 at 10:41 pm

    You , modern me, and especially teens, must watch it every day. May be you will have a chance for salvation.

  74. lidia cathryn

    November 4, 2019 at 11:06 pm

    The guy forgot to mention the most important thing: when men(or even worth, teens) have a lot of girls they loose the beauty of their soul, the inner essence. And,as my young daughter often says to me, when she looks into eyes of the boys who had a lot of girls their gazes are ‘dead’: no emotion in them.

  75. Thatboikb 94

    November 6, 2019 at 3:46 am

    I’m 25 and convinced I’ll never find love…I hate my generation. The normalization of cheating and having multiple partners ruined the idea of love.

  76. hilmi saiful

    November 6, 2019 at 8:57 am

    why would he bring in religion to his talk, i feel like his talk could reach more audiences if he was more objective

  77. Randy Thamrin

    November 6, 2019 at 4:28 pm

    What the difference between TED and TED talks channel?

  78. Maripaz DB

    November 6, 2019 at 10:26 pm

    I believe the religious approach should be included in the name of the TED talk. Please and thank you

  79. mostafa rashad iram ribhu

    November 6, 2019 at 11:27 pm

    The room's empty

  80. Sweet Tulips

    November 7, 2019 at 1:58 am

    Sacrifice is how you prove you love someone?
    So in other words, women are not capable of giving love back. LOL Thanks for the info.

  81. Juliette Bronoel

    November 7, 2019 at 5:33 am

    i was all in until he started talking about god lol

  82. Zenen Himes

    November 8, 2019 at 12:00 am

    Oh when a difficult day goes by
    keeping it together is hard but thats why
    you got to try, you go to try

    Its the true
    its the true
    its the true
    kinda love

  83. Rohit Vats

    November 8, 2019 at 8:15 am

    Love is nothing people should believe in dharma

  84. Johnnychuffchuff

    November 8, 2019 at 9:47 pm

    This is a very fine man.

  85. Karen Robert

    November 9, 2019 at 10:22 am

    I read several comments here on YouTube, when they recommended a hacker, about him hacking into their partner's phone. I message him on Instagram @redhackpro when I suspected my husband cheating and you wouldn't believe this hacker helped me hack into his phone without any glitch. He did it remotely and swift and his service cost me a few bucks, the hacker's whatsapp +1(937)815-1491 is for anyone that may require his help.

  86. nasra

    November 11, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    the audience energy lamee

  87. Quinn-Marie Wilson

    November 12, 2019 at 1:29 am

    👑👑

  88. cristina ferreira

    November 12, 2019 at 6:37 pm

    I sacrificed enough in my life.

  89. strranger

    November 13, 2019 at 6:29 pm

    One of the most sincere Ted talk, thank you

  90. sam sims

    November 13, 2019 at 6:57 pm

    Everyone in this audience was cheating. People don't like hearing the truth.

  91. Danielle Dixon

    November 13, 2019 at 9:01 pm

    When he broke out into song by MJB "Real Love, I'm searching for a Real Love" I started singing and hollered.😊😂

  92. Nakina C

    November 13, 2019 at 9:22 pm

    The audience is listening 💛

  93. LIB BEL

    November 13, 2019 at 10:08 pm

    He’s so right 💯💯. The crowd need more enthusiasm though.

  94. cameron Johnson

    November 13, 2019 at 10:39 pm

    This is the worst Ted talk I have ever heard and the most obvious.

  95. Ilovekpop Got7

    November 14, 2019 at 4:51 pm

    I am single never fell in love before so never cheated but I hate this video. It's worse ted-ed video. it's like the talk your uncle give on the dinner table. No science, no data backing up, nothing.

  96. Mahiran favorite Naeem

    November 14, 2019 at 6:51 pm

    But i am sure no nody loves him

  97. moon beam

    November 15, 2019 at 4:33 am

    His message is so true. It changed my life.

  98. Sofia Oliveira

    November 15, 2019 at 11:03 pm

    I feel like he isn't saying anything new. And in some aspects (not the cheating obviously) he has kinda of a close mind :/ I was honestly expecting much better…

  99. Sofia Oliveira

    November 15, 2019 at 11:08 pm

    Wow what a great SACRIFICE quiting throwing parties and being with other girls -.-

  100. Truth Eternal

    November 17, 2019 at 12:33 am

    For me "Love" is a composite of things such as: Harmony, Sincerity & Respect🌺

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