Anthony Jeselnik Wants a “Science Baby,” Not a “Love Baby”


-Thank you for being here live. -Thank you for not making me
dance onto the stage. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -I saw Terry before.
I was like, “I do not have
that kind energy.” -Yeah.
-Yeah. -We thought you guys
would be a nice counterbalance to each other. -We go everywhere together. It’s a very “Odd Couple”
situation. -Congratulations
on this special. It’s your fourth special.
-Mm-hmm. “Fire in the Maternity Ward.” You are one of
my favorite joke writers. This show is
so incredibly well-crafted. There so many jokes in it. There are a lot of jokes
about kids. -Yes.
-Do you ever yourself think about having kids?
-I used to not. I enjoy my freedom and my money.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] But then I actually
had some friends — I’m friends
with a lesbian couple. This is a story about lesbians. You had me on live TV.
You knew what you were doing. [ Laughter ] They came to me,
and they were like, “Anthony,
we want to have a baby, and we asked one of our friends,
and he said, ‘I don’t think
I could be a father. I don’t think I can be a father
in that way where I have a baby in the world but I’m not around
in its life.'” And I said, “Well,
you just hit the jackpot.” [ Laughter ] Because there is nothing,
nothing I would like more than to have a baby and have
nothing to do with it ever. [ Laughter ] “I’m in for sure.”
They’re like, “Great. We’re gonna go through a lawyer.
It’s an official thing.” Okay.
Lawyer e-mails me. Says, “Here’s the contract.
I’m gonna call you tomorrow. We’ll go through it.” Next day, lawyer calls, says
“Did you read the contract?” I said, “I didn’t
even finish the e-mail.” [ Laughter ] “What do you need
besides my sperm?” And she says, “I got to
ask you some questions. First, are you married?” “No, but wouldn’t
that be hilarious if I was?” [ Laughter ] Like, if I didn’t want to cheat,
I just wanted the consequences. You know?
[ Laughter ] “No, I’m not married.” Say, “Are you in a sexual
relationship with this couple?” “Am I in a sexual relationship
with my married lesbian friends who have dedicated their lives to proving
they’re not into that?” [ Laughter ] “No, I am not.
That’s a stupid question.” She says, “Do you have a plan to
get into a sexual relationship?” “Of course I do.”
[ Laughter ] Of course I have a plan. Like I know how I would do it
if I had to, you know? [ Laughter ] Ridiculous question.
[ Laughter ] Next, she says,
“Now, they own the sperm. Are you okay with them
throwing out the extra once they’re pregnant?” “Absolutely not.”
[ Laughter ] “You keep that in your purse
forever, all right? As a reminder.”
[ Laughter ] Final question. She says,
“If they have extra sperm, are they allowed
to sell it to other women who want to have your baby?” That’s how they get you, Seth.
[ Laughter ] That’s how they —
I’m like, “There’s no way I’m putting my sperm
on the open market. There would be riots.”
-Right, right. I refused that.
Lawyers says, “Okay. Well, two things — you’re not
allowed to talk about this.” [ Laughter ] I’m just like, “Sure.” Don’t stay up too late.
[ Laughter ] And I’m not allowed to tell
the child that I’m the father. They can say that,
but I’m not allowed. I’m like,
“I’m never talking to this kid. Don’t worry about it.”
[ Laughter ] She says, “Okay.
Just remember, you are not allowed
to release or have sex for five days before
each deposit three times.” I’m like,
“Can I give you three? You know what I mean?” Have you ever had someone
ask to have sex with you and then had to say, “No, I’m trying to get
someone else pregnant”? [ Laughter ] That conversation
does not go well, and there are follow-up
questions out the wazoo. It’s not —
It’s not worth it. So I go three times,
I make the deposit. I’m like,
“All right, what’s next?” And they go, “Actually, Anthony,
our other friend we asked first changed his mind, and now
he’s going to be the father.” [ Laughter ] And again, I’ve never
wanted kids in my life. But now this is about pride,
Seth. [ Laughter ] Now I’m furious. They want to go
and have a garbage baby? [ Laughter ] When they could be
having my baby? My sperm is just sitting
in a bank, frozen, when it could be
earning interest. [ Laughter ] -I’m so sorry
that they put you through this. -I know. I know.
-[ Laughing ] Well, someone out there
hopefully is gonna get their hands on it one day. -I’m gonna have
so many babies, Seth. [ Laughter ] I want a science baby.
Look, I don’t want a sex baby. A sex baby you got to love and
take care and send to college. A science baby — I don’t know the difference
between that and Teddy Ruxpin. It should not be —
[ Laughter ] I don’t have to love it
if it’s a science baby. So, I want, at some point,
23andMe to call me and be like,
“What’s going on over there?” [ Laughter ] -I hope that happens. I want to ask, before you go, you finished filming a show
called “Good Talk.” -Mm-hmm.
-Very exciting. It’s gonna be on Comedy Central? -Yeah, Comedy Central,
September, Friday nights at 11:00. It’s kind of like this, only
I get to talk to my friends. [ Laughter ] You know,
I don’t have to deal — I don’t have to deal
with any old Johnny off the street.
They’re my friends. We’re talking about comedy.
It’s a lot of fun. -I’m gonna look forward to that.
Thanks so much for being here. It’s such a pleasure to see you.
Anthony Jeselnik, everybody.

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